We need to talk {a tandem post}

Welcome to my first ever tandem post!! Woot woot.

I’m so excited to have Cali Harris (aka Caligater) as my first tandem post partner. I’ll tell you how this idea was born.

Cali wearing her wig

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As we grow up there are a few things we need to learn to do alone.

While we wish someone would just hold our hand and show us the way, that’s not how it works.

You might know what things I’m talking about…

Things like taking big decisions and choosing our path. Things like having the conversations. Things like going to a friend’s grave.

I’ve had to do them all and am still learning my way through.

Here are a few insights I have gleaned along the way.

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Let’s take a look a the aforementioned conversations. The though, heart-piercing, heart-opening conversations.

The ones that make your heart beat faster and your palms sweat like when in love.

These conversations might arise from the following needs:

• speaking up your mind
• sharing your concern about an issue
• defending yourself or others in the face of injustice
• sharing your ideas for the sake of contribution to a project
• unveiling some powerful emotion

In any case the all circle back to going out of your comfort zone and diving into a vulnerable place.

trying to make your voice be heard

And since it takes two to tango what makes these conversations even harder is that you usually care what the other person thinks of you.

Thus making the unveiling a tidbit trickier.

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So here’s these conversations usually go for me:

• I prepare, prepare and prepare some more. I basically over-prepare by going through a script in my head multiple times.
• I try and select the perfect timing to suggest some time to talk. There’s a certain way to say: We need to talk where people instantly get it. And get a little nervous. So I usually give no warning and choose of a perfect timing for me!!
• I change the perfect timing because, you know, life happens and well-thought-out plans rarely work in my experience.

Once we’re already engaged in conversation and it looks like we enough time before us I set in motion an elaborate avoidance mechanism:

• I wait until I get a cue that my comrade is ready and willing to have this specific conversation. which never really happens. then I settle for getting a sign from the Universe. which rarely happens either because of the anxious way in which I’ve asked.
• When I realize there won’t be a helicopter coming down from the heavens to give me push, I set all the gremlins free! You know, the ones that create worst-case scenarios. C’mon on, you have them to! We all do.
• So the crazy thoughts start free-flowing. What if I am done wrong? Why does it really matter? I’ve kept my mouth shut about it for so long I might as well forget about it? What if I get rejected? What if he gets really angry and loses it? What if I get ridiculed? What if I get swallowed by a big scary wave?

a big scary wave

By this point I am properly confused. My heart? racing.

But the desire to talk is stronger than my heartbeat. That’s how bad we need to talk. So I do the only thing that can give my heart peace at this point: I set the words free.

The first moments my voice is still shaking and my partner is adjusting to the shift of tone. I continue and let the words flow despite me. The conversation is shaping up, it’s taking a life of its own. You forget your dutiful preparation and omit some words you had carefully selected as new ones emerge much to your surprise. You are officially out of your comfort zone!

Let the fun begin.

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Things that might occur as a result of the conversation are always surprising.

• Let’s face it, there’s a chance you might be completely misunderstood.
• When big emotions are released you often feel lighter. And their impact can be less than you think, maybe you were the only one being bothered.
• In no case so far have I been swallowed by a big scary wave, so that’s good to know.
• So often the other person thanks you for sharing. Either because it made a difference for them. Or just because it is important for the relationship.
• Someone who’s really mature might even say something like ‘If it’s important to you, then it’s important to me.’ (wouldn’t that be ideal??)
• Very very often you need to give people (yourself included) some time. Let the ideas marinate some more before you can come to a conclusion. Often my comrade will get back to me a while later and say something that completes the conversation.

Give the other one some space to!! Art by Hugh McLeod ©

Now, here are a few lessons learnt from having these though conversations:

• It is not good to keep things to yourself. It damages relationships.
• Your voice matters.
• The gremlins often end up being wrong. When done in a healthy way, having the conversation usually lessens the drama instead of augmenting it. And yes, I’m still learning what it means to do it in a healthy way.
• If you give it some time the conversation might actually strengthen the connection between you and your conversation partner. I am not one to believe two people can ever really be 100% in tune. But these conversations can bring you one step closer. And it gives you at the gift of clarity. You know where you stand, you know how you feel and think and how the other does. I say it’s a good start!
• At some point it is good to shut up and see what the other person has to says. It’s not a conversation if you’re the only one talking!
• The best thing for me has been the sense of freedom I’ve felt as result of having these conversations. It takes a lot to be brave and raise your voice when you’re unsure of the impact. The truth is you have little control over the impact but it is freeing to you know you’ve done your part, you’ve shared your concern, released that emotion, presented your idea. Feels powerful just to think of it.