Not my proudest moment

Yes, it happened.

I lost it. Again.

Well, actually for the first time in this country.

Wanna know the situation? I got mad at a friend. The words weren’t matching the actions and that is a BIG No-No in my book of integrity.

So just when he came over to say an innocent ‘Hi’, I lost it.

I still managed to control myself some so as not to shock the young fellow but after he left it was a full-on rage party!!

I didn’t know I had bottled up so much in me.

Well, hello roaring lion. I have missed you. It was about time!!

I don’t know why I waited so long but I do know we are in for a ride.

Can I analyze what happened? Sure I can.

(analyzing my own life partly justifies the costs of my psychology degree, mind you).

I’ve been here more than 9 months now. When you are the newbie, you try to fit in, to please in order to survive. You don’t disturb or make waves by any means. You conform to be accepted.

I don’t know about you but my default in such a situation is to be the nice girl.

The one with a smile constantly pasted on her face, even if she cringes as soon as the lights go out.

The one who agrees with everyone and everything, who accommodates, forgives and gives second, third and fourth chances.

You know her, right? You’ve been her at times, haven’t you? It’s oh-kay.

Oh and on top of that, I had to be the hero. Yeah, don’t we love her!! The hero.

I’m not a mother yet but I bet you mamas have tried fitting into that one. I bet you forced your limbs into it like an uncomfortable latex body suit (not, that I’ve ever tried). Or maybe you were born into it so you didn’t realize how constraining it was to choose between Savouring and Serving. I so hope you will find your way out, brave mama.

As for me, I’ve had my own version of hero! It’s the I’m-going-to-Latin-America-to-save-the-world kind of hero. The one who secretly imagines all the good things people must say about her + feels brave each time she takes a cold shower.

The one who things suffering for the world actually has any value of its own. And even more if you do it in silence.

I’m not diminishing myself or my efforts here but frankly, I’m tired of being heroic.

Trying to be someone I’m not just makes me want to quit. To pack and go back to my comfort zone already.

Because you know what? Try to be someone you’re not is exhausting. A bit like trying to fit into a latex body suit.

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.”

 - Sven Goran Eriksson

What does that mean for me??

No more hiding behind masks from now on. A daily effort at truth-telling. Releasing the rage and Anger. No more expecting others to save me. No more compromising out of fear. No more shying away from impact.

I think impact is key here. So many are afraid of it yet there is no power without impact.

And power can be a scary thing. We’ve been told all sorts of tales about it.

We’ve learnt them so well that we keep singing the tunes over and over again till we’re on our knees.

My favourite one since arriving in Ecuador has to do with women and powerful. There’s lots of variations of it. Even a recent disco-remix.

Women can’t be powerful. Powerful women are a threat to men. Woman can either be mothers or professionals. Don’t even try speaking up, no one will hear you. A powerful woman is exposing herself to danger. There is no place for powerful women in developing countries. Equality between man and woman is for later, much later.

As I write I am reminded of the brilliant example of this woman. Her words and the legacy she is leaving are quite the myth-bursters to me. 

Watcha say we start a revolution?

No more playing the nice girl for me.

And if my loosing it today was not my proudest moment, I am pretty sure it was my truest.

ps. If you’re in the mood for a revolution, go read @kandicaNate’s manifesto. It will do you good.

pps. I really hope no one finds this blog by googling latex body suit.